I AM.

You can look where you want to look. See what you want to see. That is you.

What does it have to do with me?

No longer will I be sick.

No longer will I be unsatisfied.

I am.

Everything “I” say I am.

Your judgement.

Your assumptions.

Your words.

All you. All YOUR own.

But me, what I am…

Humbled.

EXALTED.

Put through hell and back.

I need no more then what god has given to me.

I am free.

Free of hate

Free of guilt

Free of pride and greed.

I am Free.

And God is with me.

Guilt.

I’m so sorry.

I apologize in advance for any pain I’ve caused you. Jade. I love you so much and I hate that I just couldn’t show it to you. I feel like bleeding for you would be easier. Dying for you would be so much easier.. then this. Then.. living for you. I want to live for you. I want to be everything that you could’ve ever imagined. I feel like I’m fucking up. I feel like I’m fucking everything up and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’ve done so well to fix everything. But this… I can’t figure out. I’ve tried and tried… for everyone. But it’s just not enough is it? I still feel like I’m just watching this really shitty movie. Oh baby. I could only hope that I didn’t fuck it up that bad for you. I just want you to be happy. Whatever your life becomes… I want you to experience true happiness. Please forgive me in advance… I feel like I’m drifting away and I don’t want to drift from you. I write this for you because I want you to understand. Please understand that I love you and I always have.

OUT THE WINDOW!

I feel like I have had experiences with astral projection, but could never really distinguish between dreams and OBE. As I lied in bed this night I began to enter sleep paralysis and attempted to float. This time, I asked for gods help. Spread my arms apart and told him I was ready. I began to float all the way up to my roof. I was exhilarated! I touched my roof and began to hear music. It was that song “Eleven” by Khalid and summer Walker. Makes sense because it’s one of my favorite songs. I began floating around my room, dancing and trying to control my flight. As I did this I turned around toward my bed and saw a tv on the floor with a dim static playing. No sound. And one tv floating in the air. I grabbed the tv and began to dance with it. So happy. I tried to throw it out my window, I figured if I can get this object out the window, I can float out the window. “Out the window!” I threw it but it stayed floating inside. Then I tried to jump out of my window “Jump out the window!” Then I ended up back in my body.

The End.

There was this huge mansion. Very big and beautiful, with all of my “family” inside. I seemed to be playing a different character in this dream with a different family. Right before my eyes the mansion began to crumble, crushing everyone inside. Sinking into this huge sinkhole in the ground. I saved my daughter and I think one other person. I don’t remember everything correctly, but somehow I ended up inside the crushed mansion in the parts that were “walkable.” I knew I had killed a man in some part of my dream. My dad, sister and myself were all kneeling down in the kitchen waiting for the police. I explained to them in a whisper that I had killed him and not to tell the officers. Finally the officers arrived and tell us they’re looking for a suspect, I thought it would have been me. But the suspect they were looking for was actually my dad. Immediately my dad tells the police I killed the man and that they have the wrong person. Still, they took him away. I proceeded to this very wealthy looking plaza, with very nice stores and restaurants. I ended up in an outside restaurant that looked somewhat like a winery. My man was there waiting for me at a table with two empty dark green bowls. I ripped out my heart and put it into the bowl. My boyfriend had a heart too, he tried to eat it but I said he wasn’t doing it right and proceeded to tear my heart up like an uncooked chicken. Allowing all the blood to fall into the bowl until the heart was white. I told him I would die soon and that I had to go. I went back to the broken mansion, there was a man waiting there for me… I assume he was an officer. He was speaking to me but as I walked up I lost my hearing, and could only “see” his words. I began to lose my balance and collapsed to the ground. I was dead. There was blackness and the end credits began to play. It was the first time I ever died in dream.

The High Priestess

Last night I had a dream I was driving with my cousin, sister, and friend down a dark road. Which looked a lot like the road to my old childhood home. I live in Arizona so there was mountains everywhere, I looked out into the distance towards a dark mountain. There was a beam of light in the shape of the man. He looked like he may have been dancing, preoccupied with some physicality. The closer I looked, he was an angel. Wearing a white type of toga with some red on it. He was carrying a scroll. He would jump up and float around Very beautifully. We proceeded to drive up and down very large hills and my stomach dropped. I couldn’t take the feeling and I “awoke.” I believe I was still dreaming laying in my bed, unable to move. As if I was in a state of sleep paralysis. Beside me hovering in the air was a tarot card. “The high priestess.” Her eyes looking down on. As I just lied there staring back at her.

North Star

What do you do when you’ve reached a point, where the point is no longer. Riding down the road carrying everything you’ve once loved… only to realize you don’t love “it” anymore. As a matter of fact you don’t love anything anymore. The star you’ve followed is lost. Swallowed by the darkness and “it’s” depending on you to make it out of this hell. But what if, like the star you’ve been swallowed by the darkness. And this is the only place you want to be. I feel nothing. Either way I am not happy. So what if I found the star for you. It would have never made me happy. “It” never loved me back. I want to disintegrate… into the nothingness that swallowed my star. I don’t give a fuck. You can have the star, I just wanna stay here. Let “it” die. I don’t mind… dying with “it.”

Based on one of my nightmares*

A happy place

I don’t remember how or where we were at first, all I knew is it was a happy place with all of the people I loved. I ended up in a barren neighborhood. It was dark. Dreams have a way of making the darkness you know even darker. I was riding a bicycle. One of those very old ones with a basket in the back. In my basket lied my sister as a disabled child. Humbled in fetal position. As I rode through this neighborhood I looked up into the sky to find the North Star. I was riding toward it. I started to notice a thick fog start to surround me. “I can’t lose it, we’re almost there.” I was panicking. The fog began to swallow the star and I was riding through this fog completely blind. I figured the star would reappear as long as I kept riding but then I felt a overwhelming fear take over… accompanied by horrid growls off in the distance and to the sides of me. Growls I’ve heard in dreams before. There was danger… I could feel it. I turned us back around and took us back to this “happy place.”

Dog Fights

Last night I dreamt of my dogs ripping each other apart. My dad has been in my dreams a lot lately and I’m not too sure why. In each dream he is a unlikeable character. It’s as if only his negative traits exist in this realm. When I was little we had 3 pit bulls, and our neighbors had 5. Long story short the dogs broke out of the fence and killed each other. It would happen often but none ever died until later on. Seeing them fight in my dreams is a nightmare. In the dream my dad seemed to be egging them on, I ran out of the house and told him to stop or I’d throw a brick at him. I wasn’t joking. And he stormed away, trying to scold me like I was a child again. I didn’t listen or care I told him I’d leave. I ended up in my old room… where it was covered in old Mementos. Some stuffed animals and old baby carriage figurines. Last thing I remember is talking to one of the stuffed animals. It was a sock monkey in a sparkling purple princess dress.

I’m sorry.

It was never your fault.

I’m unhappy.

Men can’t help their wandering eye. Sometimes I wonder if they even recognize it as a curse …

I don’t want to be like the girls you notice.

In fact, I don’t want to be noticed at all.

I want you to go… far from me.

I need to be alone with myself.

I want to be able to look at me and love me.

The way I never have.

Something is always wrong.

Never fully satisfied.

It’s never your fault.

How could you’ve ever set your sights on me…

I fail to do so as well, I always have.

“Why can’t you just take me as I am?”

“Why won’t you except me?”

“I’ve tried all of these things… but it’s never good enough for you.”

“I keep you alive, I keep you fed. I bare your child and it’s still not enough for you to love me.”

– You’re so ungrateful. I go to bed hating myself even more.

Instead of apologizing.

Instead of admitting I am wrong.

“I do love you.”

And I am so sorry… that “I” put you through more pain than he will ever do.